SYSTEM BOOT
SEQUENCER / INITIALIZING0%
UNOFFICIAL PRIMATE ANCESTRY · EST. TODAY

Meet the monkey you were always meant to be.

Upload one photo. Apestry sequences your selfie against 30 million years of primate lineage and reveals your closest living relative — phenotype, genotype, and the shared ancestor you've been avoiding at reunions.

12Reference species
30M yrsLineage indexed
$1Per extra relative
0%Actual science
ACGTACGTACGT
SPECIMEN / AP-0000STATUS / STANDBY
OPTICAL SEQUENCER v3.1MATCH: —— %
PROTOCOL / 3 STEPS

From selfie to species in about ten seconds.

STEP / 01

Submit your specimen

Upload a clear photo of you, your mom, or the friend who eats like a raccoon. One face, good lighting, no lab appointment required.

STEP / 02

Optical sequencing

Our (entirely theatrical) sequencer sweeps your photo for brow curiosity, grin geometry, and snack-radar amplitude, then cross-references 30M years of lineage.

STEP / 03

Meet your relative

Get a full lab report: your matched primate, genetic-match percentage, genotype markers, trait meters, and a verdict you'll immediately text to everyone you know.

REFERENCE LIBRARY

The lineages you might descend from.

Twelve fully-indexed reference genomes. Your photo gets matched to exactly one. No pressure, but some are cooler than others.

PRICING / SIMPLE

Your first relative is free.

Everyone deserves to meet their inner primate at least once. After that, keep the reunion going for a dollar a head.

START HERE
First Sequence
Free / forever
  • One full primate lineage report
  • Genetic-match percentage
  • Genotype markers + trait meters
  • Shareable result card
Sequence me free →
Every Relative After
$1 / sequence
  • Everything in the free tier
  • Sequence family, friends, foes
  • New markers + verdict each time
  • Secure $1 checkout via Stripe
Start with the free one →
FAQ / THE FINE PRINT

Questions you should probably ask.

Gloriously, no. Apestry is a comedy tribute to consumer ancestry sites. We do not read your DNA, sequence anything, or possess a single lab coat. A vision model looks at your photo and, with great confidence, assigns you a monkey. The percentages are theatrical.

It's sent once to the AI model to generate your result, then discarded — we don't store your images or build a profile. Please upload photos you have the right to use, and keep it to humans (no, you cannot sequence your cat).

Your first family member is on the house so you can see the magic. Every sequence after that is one dollar — cheaper than a banana in most airports, and it keeps the sequencer's little lights on.

That's the entire point. Run yourself for free, then line up your parents, your partner, your suspiciously chimp-like coworker. Each additional specimen is $1.

Not necessarily — the sequencer weighs expression, energy, and cosmic vibes, so different photos can surface different lineages. Some people contain multitudes. Mostly capuchins.

🦍

Somewhere in your family tree, there's a monkey.

Let's find it. Your first sequence is free — no signup, no lab coat, no shame.

Begin sequencing →